Sometimes i wonder if being impoverished unleashes a potential that is much harder to attain than a person who is pampered their entire life, not really knowing much about the real world. Being in a bubble, attached to their computer screens, rarely allowing the sun’s rays to touch them, i feel like we are stuck. The computer, the internet, is built to keep us using it. It is built to make us waste time. It claims that we are connecting with people better, but this is only mildly true. sure, we can now email and skype with people we do not know, but who writes letters to people anymore? I feel like when writing on paper, i am forced to think more about what i write, making it more “me.” The computers are convenient, which our society is based off of, convenience.
So i wonder, what happens when we dont have computers. I think about the retreats i have been on, without a computer, and i think about how much more i got done and how much fun i had. i didnt need to play LoL or browse facebook/tumblr, i had fun INTERACTING with people FACE TO FACE. When i went to Yugo, i saw the children there, having nothing, but yet having so much more me and the children i have seen in america. They had no nintendo dsx or whatever the new gameboy was. They had no tv to watch. They had the streets, the parks, the fields, but most of all, they had each other.
Mark 10:25 ” It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
I have a feeling that this post will be long and personal so it is mostly written for myself but if you wanna read go ahead..
For the majority of my life, i have always lived and gotten my way. Very rarely will i step down and accept what i do not want. But yet, i am also a coward. When confronted with issues and problems, i fear confrontation and direct conflict, so instead of facing the problem/person/situation head-on, I step down and go around. This has been my tactic since as early as i can remember. Sneaking around, vigorously agreeing while planning how to get around it in the depths of my mind, lying, cheating, hiding - all ways to step down and go around. I realize that the complexity of my character is that i like to appear strong and (i would like to think) that i succeed in doing so. While apart of the core team for my youth fellowship, i was completely unashamed of my faith, willing to speak my mind to people that either claimed to be a christian, was a christian, or couldn’t criticize me because they were at a church and were supposed to hear that kind of stuff. However, i got chills down my back during the dodgeball tournament at the mere thought of telling my testimony to non-Christians, strangers and people that i knew alike. I had and have a deep desire to be accepted and liked by them.
I am an adapter, but not a very good one at that. With Christians, i speak the “Christian” language well because of my knowledge of different theological issues and I can appear wiser and more likable than i am. Around non-christians, i simply say that i am going out when i am really going to a Christian fellowship. I try to go around proclaiming to them that i am Christian, avoiding confrontation by simply going around the issue. When i take classes such as biblical hebrew and Early Christianity, I tell people that i am taking a language or history class instead of their actual names. All to avoid conflict.
During fall quarter, i took a class that reviewed world religions. I defended Christianity vigorously. Thinking about it now, I would like to say that i was defending my religion like a good Christian would, combating logic with logic. However, the reality is that i thought that people might respect me for the image i tried to portray of strength and knowledge. It seems that every decision i make is not God glorifying, but self-glorifying. All summing up into a massive attempt to be liked. Or loved.
Yet i know that this is stupid. I know that i shouldnt feel as if i need people’s approval, respect, and love. Through my faith, i should know that God loves me dearly and that should be enough for me. On top of that, i know that my brother, father, mother, step father, step mother, Mindy, and my friends love me. But yet, a feeling of inadequacy remains within me. A feeling that no matter what i do, i cant seem to fill. Here is where I discover my true problem about myself and who i am.
From my deceptions about my whereabouts and who i am, it is obvious that i fear people’s judgments. But more than that, i want to be accepted. I dont want to appear to be stupid, but yet a powerful, strong, knowledgeable young man who knows what he is doing. Even by writing this, i cant help but think that maybe i am earning respect from somebody that is reading this. I cant get it out of my head even though i know that it is absolutely retarded. Thinking back to my initial conflict with God which led to my conversion, the tip of the iceberg begins to appear.
Prior to my conversion, i became very conflicted within myself about God. I had thought that it was great that God loved us, but I thought that God, the almighty and perfect one, had made a mistake. While many would attribute this trait as being the “selling” attribute about God, i thought it was a sign of weakness. I couldnt understand he made us and died for us. I understood that he loved us etcetc, but i thought to myself, mercy is weakness. Forgiveness is weakness. Humanity doesnt deserve.
I dont deserve it.
And that was exactly it. I thought that God made the mistake of making us only to suffer and endure pain. We arent worth his time, his thought, his love, his majesty. All we are is human, useless, prone to sin, prone to failure, prone to disappointment, prone to destruction. After further searching, i realized that by accusing humanity of this problem, i was taking away the personal reason why i thought this way.
I have pushed this thought away because it rationally makes no sense. I know that it is wrong, but i cant help the thought from reoccurring into my mind. I thought that i could rationalize to myself, to convince myself otherwise, that it wasnt my fault that my parents got divorced. I cant help but think that if i wasnt born, maybe my parents would have gotten divorced. I wasnt the best baby, i refused to drink from the bottle at daycare until i received only the bottle. I would cry and scream the entire way while in my care seat. I was a baby, and that alone demands much attention. I needed discipline that my dad didnt give me possibly forcing my mom looking for help in controlling me.
I know that all these reasons are stupid for my being the cause of the divorce, but i cant help it.
I guess i can only hope that by accepting it i can move on, and past it. That maybe one day i can realize that I am lovable to God and that he loves me for me. That i will face life straight up instead of backing down and going around. Maybe one day i will accept who i am so that i may believe that others will do the same. Maybe i will one day stand my ground because it is who i am, not because i will look better or worse.
Maybe one day…
one day…
Living in America, the culture teaches us to continually search for a gratification that comes instantly. We, as American, embrace this to its fullest, as life is easier when work is paid off with instant results. I have joined many of the other Asians in hustling the ipad 2, which is a business that feeds of the American need for instant gratification. When the ipad first came out, people paid twice the price to have it on the very first day it was released. They couldnt wait a week or two until they could get it themselves or for a much more reasonable price. So, a market is established for ipads increasing their price greatly as the demand is much higher than the supply.
It is sickening to think about, the fact that people will pay 1600 for an ipad that costs only $900. 700 dollars wasted simply so they could have a new play toy a few weeks before everybody else. With 1600, the person could have gone on a short term mission trip and found a bit of meaning in their lives. Americans and modern societies are exchanging meaning with usefulness. We have job with less meaning and more usefulness and efficiency. We have forgotten the value in going slow, as the world revolves around money.
Instant gratification takes many forms, as it is not just acting upon every wish and whim. It could be the gratification you receive from pleasing somebody by obeying their actions, from the taste of the food you eat, or by becoming a super champion in a virtual world. What is worthwhile then? We are provided so many different opportunities to appease ourselves that in order to choose something that does not stimulate ourselves instantly must have a significant meaning. So I wonder, what is significant enough for you to halt instant gratification. Is it love? Hope? Faith? Passion? Respect? Friendship?
What drives you to push through the shit for a chance to attain something better?
done with finals. no more crutching around @ ucsc. woohooo!!!
Fremont, HERE I COME!!!
bein on crutches when you are sore and already have no arm strength sucks.
boo for being weaksauce.
What is love? Is it being loyal, completely committed to somebody, willing to die for them? Is it merely a matter of somebody’s commitment to one another? Or is it something different, something deeper. Jesus died for our sins, and “loved” us no matter who we were, unconditional love. Agape love. What is agape love? Is it stupidity? 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. It is not rude or self seeking, not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrong. Love rejoices in the truth.
With it, we can do anything, without it we are nothing.
Ever since i began to think about life, I never understood what the purpose of love is. It seems stupid and inefficient. Why would somebody keep no record of wrong? Then, we are simply setting our lives of for disappointment as the person commits the same wrongdoing once more. Why hope? Why hope for the best when you know the worst is coming and your hope will be shot down. Why be honest? Honesty only gets people in trouble because the world is not a friendly place. These are the thoughts that have been with me my entire lifetime. Even when i first began believing in Jesus, I thought, God, I believe in you. But making humanity makes no sense because you humanity is a failure. Why would you sacrifice some of your perfection for utter shit? What did we do to deserve it?
I wondered what the difference between love and an addiction was. Many people I see are addicted, whether it be to video games, looks, facebook, anything. Do they love facebook? I am sure that they are committed to facebook. They probably never forget about it and always return to it. For my example, i will use facebook. What makes an addiction to facebook any different from love. I feel that many people would say that the difference is that they wouldnt give their lives to save facebook but they would give their life to save a person or something they love. However, i find it contradictory that they are in the process of giving their lives to facebook by spending so much of their time and life on it. So i wonder what makes love so much better? And, if love was out there, why was it so hard to find? Why was it so much easier to find a computer than to find out what love means? And more personally, why couldnt i love?
I had been loved by my mother, father, step father, and step mother. I couldnt have asked for better parents. It isnt like my childhood is messed up which scarred me for life making me incapable of love.
So i still come to the question of what is love. I guess there are two things that we consider love, genuine love and lust. the obvious difference is that lust is for personal gain while love is for somebody else gain. And, that is the only difference that matters. Every action that we make can be determined an action out of love or out of lust. If i were to donate money to the poor, it could be because I care for the poor, love them, and hope that they may be able to live with a little less hardship. Or, it could be because i want to feel good about myself and make others think that I am a good person. I could confront somebody because I see that they need to change in order to be a better person. Or, i could confront them because I am really pissed that they continually mess with me. Love is outward, lust is inward.
And yet i wonder if humans are capable of love. We say we love Jesus, but do we love him? Or, do we lust him because we know that we need him.
Can we love God? Righteous men in the bible are not described as God-lovers, but God-fearing. However, the greatest commandment is to love the lord your god with all your heart, soul, and might.
It begins when Peter and John are going to the temple, and see a beggar. The demand his attention and then peter says, Silver and gold i do not have, but what i have i give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Then, the man proceeds to walk. People come in awe, seeing the once lame beggar walking. In awe, they turn to Peter and John, acting as if they are Gods. Peter quickly rebukes them, and tells them that they shouldnt be surprised because it is through Jesus that they are able to do it. Then, Peter continues to tell the Jews that they messed up in their decision to kill Jesus. However, Peter provides a way out, repentance.
This is the same message that Jesus taught, yet the people receive it so much more open-heartedly because they are not proclaiming to be the Son of God. This could be attributed to the fact that the Jews had experienced several people claiming to be the Messiah and doubted Jesus out of habit. Overall, i thought that this chapter was about the beauty of coming to the cross and accepting repentance and becoming somebody better. From being a sinner to a saint via repentance.
The first section of this chapter consists of the holy spirit coming down upon the believers causing them to speak in their native languages but yet everybody can understand them, even those who dont understand their language. It is interesting that the bible says that some made fun of them and said that they had too much wine. It can be paralleled to today, often times people will casually say that it is coincidence that the student received $324.21 exactly, just the amount that he needed for tuition.
Then, peter tells the crowd about the how this occurrence (the speaking in tongues) is prophesied about in Joel. Furthermore, he makes reference to King David. Then, the people feel convicted, and they asked Peter what they were supposed to do. Peter replied, repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.
The emphasis that Peter puts on baptism surprised me. I personally delayed my baptism because i didnt think it was a big deal and that it simply proclaimed my faith to the world. I understood this, but i thought, why get baptized when i can do God’s work just as well without it? However, Peter commands baptism along side with repentance.
I think the best part of this chapter is the end where it describes what the believers do. They sell their possessions and goods and give to the people in need. They met everyday in the temple courts to worship God, eating together, fellow shipping, and praising God. I think that Christians today need to do alot more of this and alot less of running around in the hustle and bustle of life.
i’m picking up my bible again, and i have decided to read a chapter a day starting with acts. i will be posting alot so if you dont want to be flooded by my posts then i would unfollow…
acts 1
It begins with the apostles being very confused with what to do. Their teacher, Jesus, left them, and they were lost. This confusion is exactly what we do when we feel a dry spell where we can’t find God in our lives and it seems that he has disappeared. Like the apostles, we dont know what to do, so we go back to our old habits. Lucky for the apostles, Jesus came back soon.
As i continued reading, I stumbled upon a problem. In Acts 1:18 it says Judas fell headfirst and his body exploded. In Matthew 27:3-10 it says that he hung himself. The only explanation i found is that he hung himself, and then after a while he fell and his body “exploded.” this is a very weak answer, as in Acts it said that he fell head first which is pretty hard to do if being held by the neck with a rope. Sadly, i dont have a better answer.
Towards the end of chapter 1, it was interesting when they were choosing between two followers to replace Judas, Matthias and Barsabbas. They chose by casting lots, or gambling. This was very funny because it could be very easily misinterpreted as, i will gamble, and if God wants me to lose my money, so be it.
After recently quitting LoL (a video game) and all other video games for that matter, i have found that i have lots of time on my hands. I knew how much time i spent playing, but i didnt exactly know how much i could do with it. It is funny how time works, sometimes we are fighting to get more of it, and others we are watching the clock tick painfully slow as we dread the hours to come. I find myself often lost with too much time, and no reason to push forward and do something productive. While my room is in a much cleaner state, i visit my computer to write more often, and i even study harder, i still find so more free time. But i realize that i am often inspired to do something when i relax and just let my mind drift. Sometimes it drifts to friends and other people, other times it drifts to church issues, and other times it drifts to myself. I often think about who i am, and why i am who i am. i start to realize that i am not who i think i am or who i try to be because i am scared. i realize that i am often scared to tell people about me, but most of all, about what i love. i start to see that my old life used to be simply an escape into a world that wasnt real. An escape from reality. As my roommate once said, i read and watch t.v. because my life isnt quite interesting enough for me. When i look at him, i can easily see that he isnt putting himself outside his comfort zone nearly enough. How was i different when i sat beside him, playing video games instead of watching tv? i wasnt. It guess it is time to do something with my life again.
