for the past two nights, i have had two different dreams, with the same feeling.
my first dream, i remember that one of my friends left. And, i was left with a feeling of emptyness.
My second dream, i remember that i had forgotten my wallet and keys and cell phone. And, i was once again left with a feeling of emptyness.
Sometimes i wonder if dreams are affected by mood. Recently, i think that my dreams are affected by my mood.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately, during worship, after worship, at home, when i am trying to study for finals, and just simply doing nothing.
I’ve been very very preoccupied, and i have caused some people to worry about me :(.
I am very grateful for my friends. But then again, i feel so…
fearful?
I always have had trouble getting close to people. I always feared the pain of loss. The pain of seperation.
I fall victim to fear.
Fear.
I realize that i am scared of getting to close to certain people because i fear seperation.
From what i have heard from my parents, this has been a problem since the divorce.
I must say though, that if you compare me in freshman year and now, i have grown a lot. Except now, the problem is that i am at a roadblock again. And, once again, fear is ruling my life.
Among other things, i am dealing with this problem i have had hands on.
Maybe not dealing with it, but this problem is coming up.
I watched Benjamin Button again today when my parents left. I didnt feel like watching it with them, so i watched it after they left to go out to dinner with some random person. I thought about the reoccuring theme that benjammin kept saying. He kept saying, nothing lasts.
In reality, just about everything doesnt last.
People die.
Trends change.
I change.
Life changes.
Life doesnt really wait for anybody. Life just keeps going.
However, if nothing lasts, then why do anything productive? Why not just have fun and let the world crash and burn? The only thing that lasts forever, that was, is, and is to come is God. If it werent for god, i know i would be a completely different person. I might not even be here if it werent for God. Who knows. It is just that the life that God wants us to live is so damn hard sometimes.
But then again, in corinthians, paul says to rejoice in hardships and struggles for in our weakness God is make perfect.
Alright God. Do as you wish.
Funny. I remember asking God to do whatever he wanted with my life. And then, i get tested soon after.
Sometimes i wonder why i am so resistant to change. I always hated moving, i always hated switching school, i always hated everything that made my life different. Not the same.
I know change is happening now. My environment is going to change just a little bit, and i am not dealing with it. In a sense, i dont know how to deal with change unless it is forced upon me.
I am starting to realize a few things that i need to change in myself. I have to overcome the fear of loss. And, i have to learn to accept change.
