i miss being in elementary school. i miss having different best friends almost every year. i miss being able to make friends so easily. i miss simplicity. i miss stupid games we used to play like tag and “girls have cooties.” i miss getting referrals for forging my dad’s signature by signing Dad. I miss being a small little boy. i miss being able to listen to everything that was told to me. i miss being innocent. i miss all of the friends i had that moved away. i miss sucking up to ms. lemke. i miss being in jr high and going out to the park everyday doing nothing. I miss wanting to be older like my brother. I miss looking up to my brother. I miss my brother… I miss james.
Iono. Recently i have been talking to a lot of people, and i have been realizing quite a few things. I have been realizing how disgusting i am as a person. How i fear pain so i push people that are close to me away without even know it. How i get pissed off at people so easily simply because things arent going away. How so freaking selfish i have become even though i call myself a servant to others. How i keep most of my secrets to myself. How i cant really share with my friends because i fear.
Because i fear.
Something i have realized about me is that i am really freaking stubborn. And, a lot of the time i fight to be right instead of fight for the truth. And sometimes, i end up making up lies to make myself right and the other person wrong. It is like i have a need to be better than everybody else. And, if i think about it, i do in a sense. So, if i look past my need to be all right, what do i see? I think i see a weak, insecure boy. A weak insecure boy who is only starting to get strength. Who is only starting to become a man. Who is only starting to become so many things.
And yet i try to decieve myself and think that i am already all of these things.
Reality check…
Reality check thomas
