I have a feeling that this post will be long and personal so it is mostly written for myself but if you wanna read go ahead..
For the majority of my life, i have always lived and gotten my way. Very rarely will i step down and accept what i do not want. But yet, i am also a coward. When confronted with issues and problems, i fear confrontation and direct conflict, so instead of facing the problem/person/situation head-on, I step down and go around. This has been my tactic since as early as i can remember. Sneaking around, vigorously agreeing while planning how to get around it in the depths of my mind, lying, cheating, hiding - all ways to step down and go around. I realize that the complexity of my character is that i like to appear strong and (i would like to think) that i succeed in doing so. While apart of the core team for my youth fellowship, i was completely unashamed of my faith, willing to speak my mind to people that either claimed to be a christian, was a christian, or couldn’t criticize me because they were at a church and were supposed to hear that kind of stuff. However, i got chills down my back during the dodgeball tournament at the mere thought of telling my testimony to non-Christians, strangers and people that i knew alike. I had and have a deep desire to be accepted and liked by them.
I am an adapter, but not a very good one at that. With Christians, i speak the “Christian” language well because of my knowledge of different theological issues and I can appear wiser and more likable than i am. Around non-christians, i simply say that i am going out when i am really going to a Christian fellowship. I try to go around proclaiming to them that i am Christian, avoiding confrontation by simply going around the issue. When i take classes such as biblical hebrew and Early Christianity, I tell people that i am taking a language or history class instead of their actual names. All to avoid conflict.
During fall quarter, i took a class that reviewed world religions. I defended Christianity vigorously. Thinking about it now, I would like to say that i was defending my religion like a good Christian would, combating logic with logic. However, the reality is that i thought that people might respect me for the image i tried to portray of strength and knowledge. It seems that every decision i make is not God glorifying, but self-glorifying. All summing up into a massive attempt to be liked. Or loved.
Yet i know that this is stupid. I know that i shouldnt feel as if i need people’s approval, respect, and love. Through my faith, i should know that God loves me dearly and that should be enough for me. On top of that, i know that my brother, father, mother, step father, step mother, Mindy, and my friends love me. But yet, a feeling of inadequacy remains within me. A feeling that no matter what i do, i cant seem to fill. Here is where I discover my true problem about myself and who i am.
From my deceptions about my whereabouts and who i am, it is obvious that i fear people’s judgments. But more than that, i want to be accepted. I dont want to appear to be stupid, but yet a powerful, strong, knowledgeable young man who knows what he is doing. Even by writing this, i cant help but think that maybe i am earning respect from somebody that is reading this. I cant get it out of my head even though i know that it is absolutely retarded. Thinking back to my initial conflict with God which led to my conversion, the tip of the iceberg begins to appear.
Prior to my conversion, i became very conflicted within myself about God. I had thought that it was great that God loved us, but I thought that God, the almighty and perfect one, had made a mistake. While many would attribute this trait as being the “selling” attribute about God, i thought it was a sign of weakness. I couldnt understand he made us and died for us. I understood that he loved us etcetc, but i thought to myself, mercy is weakness. Forgiveness is weakness. Humanity doesnt deserve.
I dont deserve it.
And that was exactly it. I thought that God made the mistake of making us only to suffer and endure pain. We arent worth his time, his thought, his love, his majesty. All we are is human, useless, prone to sin, prone to failure, prone to disappointment, prone to destruction. After further searching, i realized that by accusing humanity of this problem, i was taking away the personal reason why i thought this way.
I have pushed this thought away because it rationally makes no sense. I know that it is wrong, but i cant help the thought from reoccurring into my mind. I thought that i could rationalize to myself, to convince myself otherwise, that it wasnt my fault that my parents got divorced. I cant help but think that if i wasnt born, maybe my parents would have gotten divorced. I wasnt the best baby, i refused to drink from the bottle at daycare until i received only the bottle. I would cry and scream the entire way while in my care seat. I was a baby, and that alone demands much attention. I needed discipline that my dad didnt give me possibly forcing my mom looking for help in controlling me.
I know that all these reasons are stupid for my being the cause of the divorce, but i cant help it.
I guess i can only hope that by accepting it i can move on, and past it. That maybe one day i can realize that I am lovable to God and that he loves me for me. That i will face life straight up instead of backing down and going around. Maybe one day i will accept who i am so that i may believe that others will do the same. Maybe i will one day stand my ground because it is who i am, not because i will look better or worse.
Maybe one day…
one day…
